"Computers are useless.
They can only give you answers."
"The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit."
Want to turn your computer into an Apple?
How to Start the Day and Feel Really Good
Open a new file on
Entitle it 'Housework.'
Place it in the Recycle Bin.
Empty the Recycle Bin.
Your computer will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?'
Answer 'Yes' and click the left mouse button firmly.
Now you feel much better.
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
Murphy's Computer Laws
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.
The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
Every non- trivial program has at least one
Corollary 1 - A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it have no bugs.
Corollary 2 - At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization.
Bugs will appear in one part of a working program when another 'unrelated' part is modified.
The subtlest bugs cause the greatest damage
Corollary - A subtle bug will modify storage thereby masquerading as some other problem.
Lulled into Security Law
A 'debugged' program that crashes will wipe out source files on storage devices when there is the least available backup.
A hardware failure will cause system software to crash, and the customer engineer will blame the programmer.
A system software crash will cause hardware to act strangely and the programmers will blame the customer engineer.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers can not write in English.
The documented interfaces between standard software modules will have undocumented quirks.
The probability of a hardware failure disappearing is inversely proportional to the distance between the computer and the customer engineer.
A working program is one that has only unobserved bugs.
No matter how many resources you have, it is never enough.
Any cool program always requires more memory than you have.
When you finally buy enough memory, you will not have enough disk space.
Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void.
If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash.
If such a program has not crashed yet, it is waiting for a critical moment before it crashes.
No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase.
All components become obsolete.
The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component.
Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user.
The maintenance engineer will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
It is axiomatic that any spares required will have just been discontinued and will be no longer in stock.
Any VDU, from the cheapest to the most expensive, will protect a twenty cent fuse by blowing first.
Any manufacturer making his warranties dependent upon the device being earthed will only supply power cabling with two wires.
If a circuit requires n components, then there will be only n - 1 components in locally-held stocks.
A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
A program generator creates programs that are more buggy than the program generator.
All Constants are Variables.
Constants aren't - Variables won't
"Dr. Suess' Computer"
people have asked why a computer crashes.
It is usually very technical but maybe this will help.
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash (Read this to yourself aloud -- it's GREAT!)
packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and want to RAM your ROM
then turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Fun at Tech Support
calls in to tech support and is not able to connect to internet.
Service Rep - We are going to check some settings.
Service Rep - Please double click on My Computer.
Customer: How can I Double Click Your Computer. I am not there.
* * * * * * * * * * *
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance
getting something right, there's a 90% probability
you'll get it wrong.
Press any key to continue or
any other key to quit...
The End !
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